The past 5 days have been rough. I've had a severe pain in my right side which has come and gone, coming more frequently of late and going less frequently. The only relief seems to be lying down on my side and waiting for it to pass. I saw a doctor Monday night, and she prescribed some medication, but it isn't offering any relief. Sonu and I are praying about what to do next, and a bit perplexed.
Many sweet saints are praying for me, and for that I am very grateful. Still, in the times alone lying on my bed (which has been most of today), a lot of emotions flutter through my heart.
Doubt: Am I just being a wimp about some normal pregnancy pain? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? Should I really be resting this much, or just "pushing through"?
Fear: How long will this continue? Can I make it three more months of pregnancy like this? What if it worsens? What if it flares up during labor?
Anger: Why do I have to have a complication during pregnancy? Why does my already restricted diet have to be restricted even further?
Disappointment/Shame: So many wives and moms asking me how I am feeling makes me self-conscious and kind of suspicious that they're thinking, "She can't handle this small pain during pregnancy?" They all say it's indigestion. How am I being a good wife to Sonu when I can't help him with the Bible college teaching load, or make yummy meals, or do much of anything?
I was reading Lamentations 2 this morning in my daily reading, and it urged, "Pour your heart out like water before the Lord." Appropriate? Providential. So I began to do so. The Lord already knows all these things. In fact, He knows before a word even makes it to my lips. Beyond that, He is the One who is carefully measuring out all my life circumstances. Not one ounce of pain makes me wince that He does not sovereignly allow.
His answer to me this morning? Psalm 116:3b-13, particularly v. 13.
" I suffered distress and anguish.
4 Then I called on the name of the Lord:
“O Lord, I pray, deliver my soul!”
5 Gracious is the Lord, and righteous;
our God is merciful.
6 The Lord preserves the simple;
when I was brought low, he saved me.
7 Return, O my soul, to your rest;
for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you.
8 For you have delivered my soul from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling;
9 I will walk before the Lord
in the land of the living.
10 I believed, even when I spoke:
“I am greatly afflicted”;
11 I said in my alarm,
“All mankind are liars.”
12 What shall I render to the Lord
for all his benefits to me?
13 I will lift up the cup of salvation
and call on the name of the Lord."
Who am I that I should accuse Him or be disappointed with what He brings into my life? Instead of a cup of the wrath of God against my sin, I have received a cup full of merciful salvation. I have the privilege to lift up that cup, and rejoice in that cup, and extol its magnificence to others. I have the opportunity to drink deeply of it, and see His strength perfected in my weakness. I have the joy of saying, "The Lord is my portion," because "I know what'ere befalls me, Jesus doeth all things well."
Many sweet saints are praying for me, and for that I am very grateful. Still, in the times alone lying on my bed (which has been most of today), a lot of emotions flutter through my heart.
Doubt: Am I just being a wimp about some normal pregnancy pain? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? Should I really be resting this much, or just "pushing through"?
Fear: How long will this continue? Can I make it three more months of pregnancy like this? What if it worsens? What if it flares up during labor?
Anger: Why do I have to have a complication during pregnancy? Why does my already restricted diet have to be restricted even further?
Disappointment/Shame: So many wives and moms asking me how I am feeling makes me self-conscious and kind of suspicious that they're thinking, "She can't handle this small pain during pregnancy?" They all say it's indigestion. How am I being a good wife to Sonu when I can't help him with the Bible college teaching load, or make yummy meals, or do much of anything?
I was reading Lamentations 2 this morning in my daily reading, and it urged, "Pour your heart out like water before the Lord." Appropriate? Providential. So I began to do so. The Lord already knows all these things. In fact, He knows before a word even makes it to my lips. Beyond that, He is the One who is carefully measuring out all my life circumstances. Not one ounce of pain makes me wince that He does not sovereignly allow.
His answer to me this morning? Psalm 116:3b-13, particularly v. 13.
" I suffered distress and anguish.
4 Then I called on the name of the Lord:
“O Lord, I pray, deliver my soul!”
5 Gracious is the Lord, and righteous;
our God is merciful.
6 The Lord preserves the simple;
when I was brought low, he saved me.
7 Return, O my soul, to your rest;
for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you.
8 For you have delivered my soul from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling;
9 I will walk before the Lord
in the land of the living.
10 I believed, even when I spoke:
“I am greatly afflicted”;
11 I said in my alarm,
“All mankind are liars.”
12 What shall I render to the Lord
for all his benefits to me?
13 I will lift up the cup of salvation
and call on the name of the Lord."
Who am I that I should accuse Him or be disappointed with what He brings into my life? Instead of a cup of the wrath of God against my sin, I have received a cup full of merciful salvation. I have the privilege to lift up that cup, and rejoice in that cup, and extol its magnificence to others. I have the opportunity to drink deeply of it, and see His strength perfected in my weakness. I have the joy of saying, "The Lord is my portion," because "I know what'ere befalls me, Jesus doeth all things well."
He is able.... to help us both. I am walking with you from a long distance, of course, thru this pg, wishing I could be close enough to see you occasionally. Ok, I wish it could be frequently! I am suffering with you the pain involved in the gallbladder attack. This is not for the wimps. You are not typically a whiner. You have your moments, but you are most often faithful for suffering in silence.
ReplyDeleteOthers may not understand, but He does. And that is sometimes all we have. It is enough to know the God of all creation KNOWS us and cares for us. And He is ABLE!
Love you, bets girl! mama